They decided to stay in Rosewall. Though Vivyka had said she was fine with camping, Sera insisted. There was some fair going in town, so the inns were full and they were only able to get one large room to share. So basically, they were camping inside, without the privacy of tents. It was late, though, and everyone else didn’t care.

The close quarters didn’t help with the tension, and that was part of what spurred her to make the suggestion.

“No,” Matt said, outraged, “absolutely not. Are you out of your mind?”

“Probably,” Vivyka conceded. “But I want to face my fears and this will help me.”

“You’re going to overcome your fear of me hitting you by having me hit you?” he asked incredulously.

“By having you teach me to fight.”

He backed away from her. “Have Tess teach you.”

“I want you,” she said, then flushed and added, “to teach me.”

“And the first time you don’t block or duck and I hit you? What then?”

She shrugged. “I’ll have to deal with it… and hit you back. That’s the point.”

“No,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “Do you ever think that maybe you’re just as much of reminder to me as I am to you? That maybe I don’t want to remember that either?”

“Not my fault.”

“But it’s my fault that you’re still scared, therefore I have to do it?”

“No… well, yes, but you don’t have to.”

“Good, because I’m not.”

“I’ll keep bugging you until you do,” she said stubbornly. A knot tightened in her stomach as she said it.

“Won’t work.”

She didn’t know what possessed her, but she pulled back her arm and swung at him. She was shocked when her fist actually connected with his jaw.

His head barely moved an inch. He looked somewhere between surprised and annoyed. “Don’t,” he warned.

“Or what?” she asked defiantly. I have a death wish, she thought, what am I doing? She had no loaded crossbow now, nor was he tied up; he was free to hit back this time, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself. “Or you’ll hurt me?”

“No,” he growled and started to turn away.

She hit him again.

He stopped and sighed. “Viv, we are not doing this.”

“What’s wrong, puppy? Can’t get off your leash long enough?” she taunted. She threw another punch but he knocked her hand away. “Maybe you’re not all that different. I think you’re just scared that you’ll finally slip and show your true colors.”

His jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed.

She smiled sadistically. “Oh no, did I make the monster angry?” The knot in her stomach tightened so much that she felt like she would double over from it.

“The rest of you leave,” Matt said in a low hiss, his furious gaze not leaving Vivyka.

Oh gods, she thought, what have I done?

Sera hesitated. “Matt… you’re really angry, maybe I—”

“Get out!” he thundered.

Vivyka tried to remember how to breathe. She watched with horror as Sera, her eyes filled with worry, left the room with the others, leaving her alone with him. A flash of his fist hitting her the day she left him played through her mind and she started to tremble. She should apologize or run or do something, but she was frozen with fear, terrified of that look in his eyes, the look she knew too well. She couldn’t make her mouth move, couldn’t get words to come out, she couldn’t even think of what to say now. She knew it was too late, no amount of begging had ever worked before.

As soon as the door was closed and they were alone, his hand shot out and he roughly grabbed a fistful of her hair. She gasped and her eyes stung with the threat of tears. He pulled her closer until she was only a few inches away. “Is this what you want?” he asked in a cold, menacing tone. “You want to piss me off? You want me to hurt you?”

It wasn’t the first time he had said those words to her, each time had followed by her getting beat. She shook her head slightly, lamely and tried to swallow. “No, I’m sorry,” she whimpered. “Please…” She tried to breathe normally; she was starting to feel light headed.

He glared down at her as he drew his other hand back. She squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the blow.

When the back of his hand gently touched her cheek, her lids flew open in shock. He ran the back of his fingers down the side of her face, then moved it to the other side and cupped her cheek in his hand. Though he still looked angry, his eyes softened. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly while she stared up at him, too stunned to do anything else.

He moved his other hand from her hair and laid it on her other cheek so that he was holding her face. His touch was amazingly tender. After a moment, he calmed down the rest of the way, until his eyes were warm and kind. He continued to hold her gaze. “I’m not a monster anymore,” he told her softly. “I’m not him. And I’m sorry, Viv. Honestly, I am so sorry for what I did to you.” He tucked some of her hair behind her ear. “But I promise I won’t hurt you anymore. Never again,” he said with deep sincerity.

The tears began to fall, a floodgate opened, and everything she was holding in began to slip. She looked down, away from his intent gaze. “You are a monster… you have to be,” she said in a broken whisper.

His hands moved to rest on her shoulders. “Why?”

“Because then it’s… it's me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I wasn’t… I wasn’t worth it,” she cried. “I wasn’t… good enough.”

He lifted her chin so she would look at him. “Good enough for what?”

It took her a second to stop crying enough to say it, “For you… to love me.”

His eyes filled with a tormented look. “Viv,” he murmured, “it’s not you. It’s not your fault.”

“If I had just… been better. If I had been like… like her.” She looked away from him again.

“No matter who you were like, I would have been the same. I still would have had my birthmark. I still would have been under Malluk’s influence.”

She shook her head and pushed his hands away. “Tess… Tess got to you before… you said so.”

“I was nicer to you most of the time than I was to her before the mark was taken from me. And I actually dated you. I stayed with you, which was something I never did. You got to me too, just in a different way.”

“Easy target,” she mumbled.

He forced her to look at him again. “Have I ever liked it easy?” he asked, then answered for her, “No. I liked you because you’re fun to be with, because you were just as passionate as me, and feisty and… you were more than good enough, you were—and are—amazing.” He sighed and stroked her hair. “Don’t blame yourself for me being a bastard. I swear it wasn’t you. I was the one who wasn’t good enough. You saw my memories, you know it wasn’t you.” When more tears came, he pulled her into his arms and held her for a long time, letting her cry.

“You know,” he said after a while, “I might not have gone through as much as I did with Tess, but I saved you, too.”

She stepped back and blinked at him, confused. “How? When?”

He pulled her over to the bed, sat her down at the foot of it, and then sat against the headboard. He lit two cigarettes and handed her one. “That night you followed me, when you saw me torture that man.”

She nodded, remembering. She had run off, thinking she hadn’t been seen, but later he had beaten her severely for it. That was when she had finally left him.

“I was supposed to kill you,” he told her. “Unfortunately, Bo’s the one that saw you. I told him I’d teach you a lesson, but not kill you. I said you were too useful. He accused me of caring about you, of having a heart, then said he’d do it. He just wanted to screw you before you died, he had always wanted you.”

She scrunched up her nose. “I know.”

“But I told him no, that you were mine and I’d deal with it,” Matt went on. “Bo dropped it, but when we got back to the temple, he immediately told the priest that I refused to abide temple law. You’re supposed to kill any witnesses if you did a job off temple grounds,” he explained. “The priest told Bo to do it and I was to be punished. So, I said I’d kill you. I didn’t want to, but at least if I did it, then Bo wouldn’t be able to have you first.”

She shuddered at the thought. “Thanks for that.”

He nodded. “But then I couldn’t do it. I told myself that it was just because I was rebelling against doing what I was told. I thought that later, when it blew over, I’d find you again, I’d get you back. Bo and Jake were the only ones who knew about you, not even the priest knew what you looked like. But he could tell my blood from yours.”

“That’s why you took out your dagger… to get my blood on it.”

“Yes,” he agreed. “Then I waited, watching, hoping you were smart enough to just leave. If it was you’re choice, then I figured you’d leave town and not come back.”

“What would have happened if I had gone up to the apartment?” she wondered.

He sighed. “I would have killed you. But thankfully you didn’t. The next morning, when Bo came over, I gave him the bloody dagger and told him to run along and show the priest like a good little dog.”

“And they believed you killed me?” she asked.

“Of course. I’ve never been known for lying.” He smiled a little. “But Bo and Jake knew what you looked like, and if they ever happened to see you… you’d be dead and I’d be punished. So, I killed them.”

She gasped. “But… they were you’re friends.”

He laughed humorlessly. “They followed me around, they weren’t friends. I don’t even know why I tolerated Bo.” He shrugged. “I was quite happy to kill him. Jake on the other hand… he wasn’t so bad.”

She nodded. “I kind of liked him.”

“Yeah. But he knew too much and, just like Bo, he would have ratted me out as soon as he found out anything. Plus, me killing Bo made him suspicious. Wasn’t hard to kill him though, I was too pissed to care. I was furious that they took you away from me. Of course, I told myself it was just because you were my favorite toy, and no one took anything from me. But… I cared.”

“Then why didn’t you come find me?”

“I did. I moved to Oraunt a week later. I brought all your things, and even had a few presents waiting.” He shook his head. “Then I went to Brunya City to get you. When I saw you, you were walking down the street, holding a little boy’s hand. You stopped for some reason and talked to him about something, then you ran your fingers through his hair. My mother used to do that. She was taken from me when I was five and I… I didn’t want to take you away from that boy.” He rolled his eyes at himself as if admitting something stupid. “And you looked so happy, you never looked like that with me. I wanted you to be happy. Not that I thought that at the time but… I told myself I didn’t need you anyway, there were plenty of other women.” He smiled a little. “The poor women who came after you though, I wasn’t happy with anyone for a while. You were a hard act to follow.”

She smiled a little too, but then asked, “Did you really did care about me?”

“Yes, as much as I could at the time.”

She wiped away her tears. “I was happy with you though, not all the time, but I was. It was just different. I’m sorry you didn’t see that. I should have told you.” She looked down at the quilt beneath her. “I should have said I loved you.” She glanced up at him. “I did, you know, I loved you.”

“Thanks,” he told her with a small smile. “But you were smart not to say it. To love is to have a heart, and to have a heart is to be weak, to be a disgrace in the eyes of Malluk. It would have just pissed me off.”

“Love isn’t weak.”

“Yes, it is,” he told her and she looked at him in surprise. “Love makes you soft and… vulnerable,” he grumbled the last word. “But that’s why people like you and Sera are stronger than people like me, stronger than any of Malluk’s people. Because you’re able to have that weakness, to risk being so hurt and yet keep going. That takes a shit load of courage. Love’s the first thing to ever actually scare me; it’s the only thing that’s ever truly hurt me, that could still hurt me, destroy me even.”

Vivyka just stared at him. Who was this man? Why couldn’t he have been like this with her? She envied Sera and felt a bit resentful. It was unfair. “What would have happened if it was me there instead of Sera when you woke up?” she asked. “Right after you lost your birthmark?”

He shook his head. “Don’t go there.”

“Just tell me. Please. What would have happened?”

He looked away from her, almost seeming uncomfortable. He lit another cigarette and sighed as he exhaled. “What exactly do you want to know?”

“If you would have wanted me back.”

He glanced at her, then studied his cigarette. “I’ll always want you back, Viv,” he said quietly.

She swallowed. “Really?” she whispered.

He nodded slightly. “But Sera…”

“I know you love her, I wasn’t trying to…”

He nodded.

She sighed. If it wasn’t for Sera, he wouldn’t be the way he was now. He needed Sera. No one else could love him the way she could, not even Vivyka, though she hated to admit it to herself. Only someone like Sera could help a monster change. Still, a big part of her wanted it to be her instead of Sera.

When Vivyka started crying again, Matt put out his cigarette and reached for her. She went willingly and let him hold her. They had dated for ten months but he had never held her. The feeling of his arms made her cry harder. At that moment, she wanted him back so badly it physically ached.

—————

“Come in,” Matt called quietly when someone knocked on the door.

Sera stepped into the room and found Matt sitting against the headboard, a cigarette in one hand, and his other resting on Vivyka’s shoulder. She was sleeping with her head on his lap, looking peaceful.

“You’ve been in here for a long time; I just thought I’d check,” she said softly.

“Sorry for yelling at you,” he told her.

“It’s fine,” she said easily. “Are you two okay?”

He nodded. “I think so.”

“What happen?”

“Talking and crying. Have I mentioned how much I hate crying?”

Sera nodded, then sighed. “Good. She’s been holding on to so much for so long. How are you doing? I mean, I feel it, but in words, how are you?”

He took another drag, exhaled slowly, then smiled sadly. “Here I thought I couldn’t feel worse.”

“But—”

“Don’t,” he told her firmly. “I should feel bad. I may be different now, but it’s still me.” He looked down at Vivyka. He brushed some of her hair out of her face and sighed. “You know the worse part?”

“What?”

“That she thought it was her fault,” he said, continuing to stare at her. “That’s why it took her so long to leave me. She thought if she could’ve just been good enough, could've just stop making me angry, then I’d stop hitting her. And then maybe she’d be worth it and I’d love her.”

“But you showed her, didn’t you?” Sera asked proudly. “You showed her that it wasn’t her fault, that it was you and you’ve really changed.”

He returned his gaze to Sera. “And you doubted me,” he teased lightly.

She shook her head. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have.”

“No, you have every reason to doubt me. And I’m glad you did. It wouldn’t have worked as well if you hadn’t been worried.”

“It scared me,” she admitted sheepishly. “You rarely let yourself get that angry. And she isn’t Tess, she’s helpless.”

He nodded. “I was worried, too. My dream last night was about hurting her. I was scared I’d slip, but I had to take the chance, to prove it to myself as well as to her. It’s really hard when I lose my temper to control my actions.” He shook his head and sighed wearily. “I’ve rarely had to control myself for any reason before you. Now it seems like that’s all I do.” He took a drag of his cigarette and exhaled. “And now I know that no one will even try to stop me if I do snap,” he said solemnly and met her gaze. “Why did you leave if you doubted me?”

“Because I’ve chosen to stand by you no matter what, and I will. Even if I unfortunately doubt you.”

“And if I would have hurt her?” he challenged. “What then?”

“You didn’t.”

“What if?” he repeated.

“There’s no sense in worrying about what didn’t and won’t happen.”

“Answer me, Sera,” he grumbled as he put out his cigarette.

Just then, Tess and Ayden knocked softly on the open door. “Hey, okay if we come in?” Tess asked.

“Yes,” Sera told them, obviously eager to get out of answering the question.

Matt shook his head at her, but let it go.

They came in further and Tess smiled at Vivyka. “So you guys are good then?” she asked, not seeming at all surprised.

“Yeah,” Matt told her. “But what’s with you just walking out like that? It wasn’t that long ago that you provoked me and Cael had to step in. But now you just leave Viv alone with me when I’m pissed? Shouldn’t you watch out for your friends?”

Tess rolled her eyes. “You weren’t gonna hurt her.”

“You should know better,” he told her.

“Yeah, duh. That’s why I left.” She shook her head when he didn’t get it. “Get out?” She laughed. “Please. When have you ever, in your whole life, told people to leave so you could be an asshole in private?”

He tried to fight a smile but couldn’t. “Still,” he said, trying to keep a gruff tone, “I could have slipped.”

“Yeah, and Ayd might slip and throw a fireball at you in his sleep.” She leaned back against her boyfriend and smirked. “Don’t get any ideas, Ayd.”

“Does that ever actually happen?” Matt wondered seriously.

“It can,” Ayden answered. “Very rarely, but it goes along with sleepwalking and talking. Kendra Thomas, a mage in the eleventh century, was so bad that her husband had to tie her up with Farlon rope every night.”

“Huh.” Matt shrugged. “Anyway, you’re still too trusting,” he told Tess.

She rolled her eyes again. “Yeah, whatever.”

—————

Vivyka felt guilty as soon as she woke up the next morning and realized that she had the large bed all to herself.

Ayden, sitting against the wall, looked up from his book and smiled at her. Sera was on her knees on the other side of the room, her eyes closed, saying her morning prayers, but the other two were still asleep.

Vivyka stared at Matt for a while. She sighed. There was a huge weight lifted from her. She knew now that she had to separate the old Matt from the new one. They were two different people, in the ways that mattered. She got that now. She could remember and hate the abusive man she had once dated, but she would try to be friends with this new, surprisingly caring man. She still had feelings for him that she needed to learn to let go of, but it was a sort of new beginning for them and she felt good about that.

She crept over to where he slept on the floor and grabbed the silver case out of his jacket next to him.

Ayden laughed softly. “Why don’t you just get your own?”

She lit a cigarette and smirked. “What fun would that be?” she whispered as she returned his lighter and case, then went to sit next to Ayden. She glanced over at his book. “What are you reading?”

“It’s just my journal.”

“Wow. You’re writing is so neat it looks like it was done by a printing press, except that it’s ridiculously small.”

He shrugged. “That way one journal lasts me a long time.”

“I bet.”

“So, I think I’ll go to the library in Oraunt on our way and do a little research,” he told her.

“For what?”

“Don’t know much about the Snow Peaks, and we’re not sure which cave the entrance is in.”

“I think you just wanna excuse to read more.”

He smiled. “It’s a good thing someone here reads, information comes in handy you know.”

“I read.”

“Romance novels aren’t going to be much help,” he teased.

She stuck her tongue out at him, and he chuckled.

“I don’t want to be awake,” Tess complained.

“Then go back to sleep, goober,” Ayden told her.

She sighed. “Awake now.” She glanced at Vivyka. “How’re you?”

Vivyka glanced at Matt and nodded. “Good.”

Tess smiled. “I’m glad. By the way, I knew he wasn’t planning on hurting you. Otherwise I wouldn’t have left.”

“How’d you know?”

“If he wants to hurt someone, he just hurts them, no matter who’s around.”

Vivyka shook her head at herself. “Yeah, you’re right. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that.”

“Fear can easily blind you,” Tess said, then nodded to Sera. “Or love,” she added, then crawled over to Ayden. He set his journal down and she sat between his legs.

“Or anger, or lust,” he put in.

Tess turned to frown at him.

“I’m just saying that we all have our judgment skewed sometimes,” he pointed out.

Vivyka smiled. “Thanks.”

They nodded. Ayden grabbed Tess’ brush and, as he did every morning, started brushing and braiding her hair. Tess was seriously spoiled, the guy did everything for her, but then, he obviously liked taking care of her, so it worked.

Vivyka got up and walked to the window. She looked out at the pretty town. Rosewall got its name from the white rose ivy that climbed the gray stone buildings. The sun was just rising over the horizon, but already there were people walking on the cobbled street below.

Someone rubbed her back gently and she knew without looking that it was Sera; no one else had a touch as soft as hers. “It’s nice when everyone’s feeling good,” she said quietly.

Vivyka nodded. “Yeah, sorry for all the bad shit I’ve been making you feel.”

“It’s okay, it’s better now, that’s all that matters.”

“You only said I could come so I’d have to deal with it, didn’t you?” Vivyka accused lightly.

Sera smiled sheepishly. “Yes.”

Vivyka glanced at her friend with an affectionate smile. “Thanks.”

“Even without that, it’s good you came along,” Sera told her. “If it wasn’t for you we wouldn’t be on our way to the Temple of the Gods right now.”

“Go slut power,” Vivyka said with a smirk, then added seriously, “Actually, I didn’t even ask Brex. I was going to, but before I could, he slipped this ring on my finger and told me where to find the temple. He would have helped even if I hadn’t slept with him. I’m just glad I could help.”

Sera leaned her head against Vivyka’s shoulder. “You helped more than you know,” she whispered.

“He really does feel bad, doesn’t he?”

“Why don’t people ever believe me?” Matt grumbled.

Vivyka shot him a stern look. “I’m not talking to you.”

“About me,” he said, sitting up, “same difference.”

“Maybe I want to hear it from her.”

“Whatever makes you happy, Viv,” he told her, lighting himself a cigarette.

Sera glanced at Matt for permission and he nodded. “Yes, he does.”

Vivyka rolled her eyes dramatically. “Ugh, guess I’ll have to start liking him now or something.”

He gave a smoky chuckle. “No need to be drastic.”

“About last night,” she said, seriously, “thanks… Matt.” She used his nickname, a symbol of her acceptance that he had really changed.

He smiled and nodded. “Friends?”

She took a deep breath. “A start.”