Vivyka whined when she heard the knock on the door the next morning. She knew who it was: the last person she wanted to see. She couldn’t see Sera, she just couldn’t. Rubbing her face and taking a deep breath, she walked over to pick up her discarded skirt, the one she had decided to burn, right after she made the resolution to never drink again. For now, she shoved it in her pack as if hiding incriminating evidence, though she knew Sera already knew. She pulled on her black pants, her loosest fitting ones, but they were still basically skin tight.

Another knock sounded. She stood from her crouch and immediately clung to the bedpost. A wave of dizziness swirled in her pounding head, and her stomach churned. When she able to, she let go and walked to the door. With another deep breath, she pulled it open, but kept her gaze on the floor. “Hi,” she mumbled and went to sit on the bed, against the headboard, bringing her knees to her chest. She picked at a loose thread on her pants and waited.

Sera closed the door behind her and sat in front of her friend. “It’s okay,” she began gently. “Honestly, everyone is fine. Only Matt and I know about last night, and we can act like it never even happened. Or, if you want to talk about it, I’m happy to listen. You can talk to him, too.” She paused for a long moment, giving Vivyka a chance to speak, but she only continued to stare at her knee. “Here. He thought you’d want this.” She smiled a little as she handed a cigarette over.

Vivyka laughed sadly. She wanted to decline it—she hated that he knew her so well, hated that he would think of offering—but she took it with a sigh. She leaned over to light it with the matches on the bedside table. She sat back and took a drag. What was it about cigarettes that made them so comforting? “Thanks,” she said in a smoky whisper.

Sera nodded. “I do understand, you know. I knew before we came on this trip.”

“What?”

“Your feelings for him. And I know it seems like a big embarrassing mess right now, but it’s actually good. You can’t keep denying things. Holding on to everything just means that you can’t really move forward.”

“I don’t want him back,” Vivyka mumbled.

“I know,” Sera assured her. “I understand the difference between head and heart. I know that you can feel something, but not wish to act on it.”

“But last night… I don’t… I mean… did he tell you…?”

“Yes. I know what happen at the tavern. I know what you did, and I know what he did,” she clarified. “But I’m not upset. I understand. Really. You weren’t in your right mind, you weren’t making conscious choices.”

It was silent for a long time. Vivyka wiped her tears away. “I’m really sorry. I can’t believe I’d do that to you.”

Sera moved to her side and pulled her into a hug. “I know that. And I forgive you,” she told her softly.

Vivyka felt the healing magic in Sera’s touch, and her headache subsided. They sat there like that until she was finished with her cigarette and put it out in the ashtray on the side table. “Oh, about the temple…”

“We don’t have to go right now if you don’t want to. It can wait,” Sera said, putting everyone else first, as always.

Vivyka shook her head. “No, it’s too important. I’ll go. If you still want me to, I mean… I’ll stay away from—”

“Don’t be silly,” Sera admonished lightly. “Nothing’s changed. We’re all still friends and everything can go right back to normal. Matt won’t even say anything, unless you bring it up.” She stroked Vivyka’s hair gently, and then placed a kiss on top of her head. “We’ll be downstairs, okay? Just come down whenever you’re ready.”

“I wish you’d just be mad at me, hate me even,” Vivyka mumbled as Sera got up.

Sera smiled sadly and nodded. “It’s often harder to be forgiven, than it is to forgive. People, who are truly sorry, rarely feel like they deserve it. But they do.”

—————

It took Vivyka almost an hour before she was able to force herself to walk down the stairs, before she had the courage to walk across the tavern to the table where the others waited for her.

“You’re looking good,” Tess greeted sarcastically.

“She probably has a nasty hangover,” Ayden said.

“Sera can help with the headache,” Tess put in helpfully.

“I’m fine,” Vivyka muttered as she set her bag down and sat on the opposite side from Matt and Sera.

“Hungry?” Sera asked.

“A bit.”

Sera smiled. “I’ll get you something,” she said and went to the bar to order.

Matt stood up immediately and went with her. He hadn’t even looked at her.

Vivyka’s gut twisted, he was probably worried about what she might do if Sera wasn’t there. Avoiding someone’s gaze wasn’t something he ever did. It made the guilt she already felt even heavier.

Wait, she thought, was she really worrying about making him feel uncomfortable? She inwardly groaned. She cared about Sera. Sera was worth caring about. But why the hell should she care about Matt? All she felt for him was hatred, nothing more. And she certainly didn’t owe him anything. He could think or feel whatever the hell he wanted.

“You okay?” Ayden asked, pulling her from thoughts.

Realizing that she was glowering at Matt’s back, she returned to a neutral expression as she looked down at the rough wooden table. “Yeah, fine.”

He obviously wasn’t convinced. “Guess all the god glow has worn off, huh?” he teased lightly.

She smiled in spite of herself. “Guess so.”

“And then last night was a bust,” Tess noted. “Maybe you can find a better guy next time.”

“Wha—what do you mean?” Vivyka asked, her eyes widening a little.

Tess frowned at the reaction, while Ayden looked like he understood, but said nothing. “The big blond you tried to get with. Matt said the guy was worse then he used to be.” She chuckled. “You sure have a talent for picking the winners, Viv.”

“It’s not my fault if all men are assholes!” she snapped and stood abruptly. She grabbed her bag, but paused to look at Ayden. “Not you,” she muttered. Ayden nodded and gave her a sympathetic smile before she walked to the bar. Keeping her gaze off of Matt, she asked Sera, “Can we just go? I’m not hungry after all.”

—————

The journey was quiet, giving Vivyka too much time to think, but she really didn’t want to get Ayden talking about magic or languages or something just as boring again. She definitely didn’t feel like talking to Sera either. It was late afternoon when she finally decided to talk to Tess. Ayden kept his horse close to Matt’s, talking to Sera who always rode in Matt’s arms.

Vivyka took the opening. “Hey, Tess?” she said, slowing the pace a little so she was sure the others were out of earshot.

“Yeah?”

Vivyka studied the saddle horn instead of meeting her gaze. It felt strange to talk to Tess seriously. They had known each other for eighteen years, but they had always had a kind of friendly rivalry, usually just meaningless banter. But she had to know, so she asked, “I was just wondering… how you do it? With Mathias, I mean. Doesn’t just looking at him remind you of what happened?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

Tess shrugged. “Well, I’ve known him longer as the person he is now for one thing. And before… well, it wasn’t really all that bad. I mean, when we got to the temple and he was all gonna kill me, I was terrified of course. But, before that I liked him and I don’t know, it all worked out, so…” She shrugged again. “It’s cool.”

“I meant the other part; you being with him. Did those feelings just go away?” Vivyka asked, glancing over at her.

Tess pursed her lips, thinking for a moment. “Not really went away, just kind of… diminished.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, first of all, I think I was more attracted to him because he was the first to show me that kind of attention.”

“Ayden never…?”

Tess sighed. “Nope. Matt was the first. I didn’t think I liked that stuff, but he was all aggressive and then I found out and… yeah. So, it was more that than his looks or whatever. Though he is gorgeous and being with him was… nice.” She smiled.

“Did you enjoy how rough he was?”

Tess blushed a little. “Yeah, as sick as that might be.”

“No, I get it,” Vivyka said knowingly.

“I guess you would.”

Vivyka wasn’t sure how to take that, so she decided to let it go. “So… how’d you get over him?”

“I was barely with him. I care more about him now that we’re friends than I did when we were together like that. I was never in love with him either, never actually wanted to date him or anything. It was just a lust thing.”

“But, the attraction, doesn’t that ever get to you?”

“No,” Tess said easily. “I’ve got someone and I honestly don’t want anyone else.”

Vivyka scoffed lightly. “No offense, but Ayden’s hardly comparable. He’s nice, but when it comes to that…”

Tess laughed. “Right? That’s what I thought. But… Ayd might not have Matt’s, well… incredible body, but I wasn’t joking when I said I wasn’t missing out. Ayd’s amazing.” Her eyes flickered to Ayden for a moment and she grinned. “I really do have everything I want.”

Vivyka studied her for a minute. “But… you said you liked it rough, and I can’t see Ayden being like that.”

Tess laughed again. “No. He would never dream of hurting me, even like that.”

“Do you ever want it though? The aggression?”

Tess smiled. “Oh yeah.”

“What do you do?”

“Kick Matt’s ass,” Tess answered with a grin. “I actually found that I like it to be separate. I like being able to be violent, to fight, with Matt especially because I can let loose and not have to worry about really hurting him. But then I can have all the tenderness and stuff from Ayd.”

“Huh.” Vivyka frowned in thought. “Maybe I should learn to fight, then maybe I’d stop going for assholes.”

“I can teach you,” Tess offered. “Then you can get so good you’ll be able to beat Matt down.”

“I don’t think so,” Vivyka said seriously. “You can’t even beat him, Tess.”

“Maybe I’m taking it easy on him.”

Vivyka laughed grimly. “I’m pretty sure it’s the other way around.”

Tess nodded. “It is,” she admitted with a smile. “He always holds back with me.”

“Might be a very different story if Sera wasn’t keeping him tame,” Vivyka pointed out.

“He wouldn’t hurt me even then,” Tess said confidently.

“You think he cares about you?”

Tess shrugged. “Maybe. But I know he wouldn’t because he’s not that person anymore. He doesn’t want to cause unnecessary pain.” She studied Vivyka for a moment. “Maybe if you did learn to fight and went up against him you’d see that.”

Vivyka shivered at the thought. “I think I’ve been beaten by him enough already, thanks.”

“It wouldn’t be like that though. It’d be a fair fight. You’d see that he isn’t the guy you knew before, that you don’t have to be afraid of him anymore.”

Just then Matt called to Tess.

She looked at him, riding ahead with Sera and Ayden, all three of them were smiling. “What?”

“You put doll clothes on your mother’s cat?” he asked, laughing.

She grinned. “Sera wanted me to play with them, so I did,” she called back. She glanced back questioningly at Vivyka who nodded, telling her to go ahead. Tess moved up to join the others

Vivyka stayed a few yards behind them and just watched the others talk and laugh. She thought about what Tess said and wondered.