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Chapter 4.5: Stained Hands
“Why must we do these things? Why must I be forced to choose? I didn’t see any need for this, but I did it for the Family. Is this really what you want as Glory, Great Father?
Grant us yet another day…”
Year of Wrath, Season of Heat D.54
The day went on, the grass unaware of the crime that just happened here. The skies moving on in their slow journey across time, ignorant of the darkness that we breathed into the world, that I ordered. “Are you going to be alright?” Ysry put her hand on my shoulder. Her deep amethyst colored eyes peered into me like she had seen a sin that was hidden behind layers or deceit. “You look pale, Illy.”
“What choice did I have? I couldn’t let her go back to the city with this horror story.” Trailing the last of the thought, Ysry pulled me into a hug.
“You don’t need to beat yourself up over this.” She told me, but only pulled myself away. Ordering the raiders to dump the bloodied cloth over the sides of the cliffs, preferably into the surf. On a whim, I added to them all to put the humans bodies into the wagon. I didn’t know what we would do with them, but it felt wrong to leave them here.
Ghet managed to figure out how to get the wagon moving, slowly plodding along while the gear box grinded loudly as I led the raiders through the Ancient forest. The emerald canopies offered reprieve from the hot summer sun, but the land was silent. Not a sound, not a cricket chirp, not a bird song rang out. It seemed fitting for the feeling slowly setting itself in my mind.
Ordering a stop to the group, I told Til and Yvet to head back and eliminate any evidence that a steam wagon stopped there, dust any blood, hack down any bent grass and broken branches. Telling them I wanted nobody to think anything was out of the ordinary, nothing spotted even from horseback. They gave me an odd look, but nodded and set out. I only heard the sound of the grass as they left, barely noticing much else.
Not even noticing when we got back to the village, not even reacting as the Family ran up joyous at our capture. I went through the motions as we made our offerings to Bhal, as if there was a haze over mind. Why did I feel bad about these humans? I know I told everyone, no blood. I told everyone that there would be no killing if we could help it, it would only make everything worse with the City to the north.
Yorm wanted to celebrate, Kari was beaming the entire time. Yorm called a feast in my honor, I missed the pained look in his eyes. I wasn’t concerned about his odd behavior with me right now, I didn’t think any of this deserved the fanfare. I put the Clan at risk all for some colorful cloth, dried meat and a steam wagon we didn’t even know how to use. A foul mood was an understatement.
The sound of the Clan preparing meals filled the beach. The smell of smoke filled the air as fires were lit, the sound of cutlery, the clang of soup pots. The savory smell of cooking meats and aromatic spices wafted into the caves. The endless chatter of the Family was nice, but unwelcome as if I had been given a gift I did not want. Loving that they all thought I did wonderful today, but my hands felt dirty.
Excusing myself from the celebration, I wanted to be alone for a moment. Leaving Yvet, Ysry, Hob and Ghet at the table all looking up at me, my mug of wine untouched. Stepping out into the cooling summer breeze, I breathed deep, exhaling a sigh that seemed to have been building all my life. My shoulders shook as I made my way down to the steam wagon, where the bodies were laid in a neat line.
Their skin pale under the moonlight, I didn’t know what I felt. Somebody had left their eyes shut, thinking back to all the burials Mother had taught me to do. I thought it wrong, these humans deserved every bit of respect that our dead did. With gentle hands, I opened their eyes to see the beauty of night, a perfectly starry sky. Mother had always taught us to deny us the right to see the stars in death was an insult.
Still, my hands felt unclean. I fixed the woman’s dress, it had been pulled too hard, exposing too much. She deserved dignity, I rebraided her long hair the same way Mother would have done for me. Cleaning the dried blood off their wounds, I rested their hands over their hearts.
“Bhal, I know you tell us to leave the fallen behind. To honor our dead, to honor those who fell in battle, to grant those who fought in your glory to be given praise.” Kneeling before them, I sat trying to meditate with Ibering. Mother had always taught us that Ibering was to open our ears to hear nothing, to still our minds. Thinking it would help calm my mind, stretching my senses out in every direction.
The sound of the crickets, the sway of the branches in the wood. The soft crash of the surf, a hoot of a distant owl. I heard the sound of the Family enjoying themselves in the caves, enjoying themselves in my honor. I heard the woman crying as she watched her family die. My eyes snapped open, heartbeat thick in my ears. Still she lay there, unwatching as the uncaring stars moved overhead.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want this. You have to understand I really didn’t want this.” My voice cracked as I stood. I traced the sign of Bhal and the Clan over their foreheads as Mother had taught me to do. She said it brought peace to the souls of the lost, I had to hope they would find each other again in The Shores Beyond. There was a river to the north of the village. “I think some time soaking in the steam will help.” Though it was spoken to no one with ears to hear.
Thinking back at the ceremony, Mother had gone to the extra effort of a more complicated prayer. For my part I only vaguely remembered the chalice of blood red wine being brought to my lips. She had wanted to honor me with a more powerful blessing from Bhal, one she told me so long ago was meant to encourage leadership in those he favored. I felt bad for not paying attention to it more as I wallowed in my mind.
Hob had punched my arm as we all knelt before the Chief, I missed what he had said. But, I knew the ceremony well enough to know the right phrase to repeat. “Thank you Father. Your attention and praise bring me honor and glory well earned.” He grunted and dismissed us as the feast was prepared that I so unceremoniously extricated myself from. I thought that maybe, giving them the same respect we showed our own dead would help, but my hands still felt dirty. My skin crawled as I thought back to the happy faces of the clan cheering me on for the blood that was on my hands.
The sun had hidden itself behind the mountains, the deep shadow that served as our dusk, blanketed the Ancient Forest and our homes. The sky was still bright enough to see the rose tinted clouds far into the heavens listed lazily as they blew off those lofty peaks. Stars just barely bright enough to see, I looked back at the bodies, hoping they would find some peace.
Walking toward the stream, grabbing a bucket that still had some soap left in the bottom, I wanted to think. Passing under back lit canopies, the full moon just cresting over the sea casting the forest in a pale blue light. Bright enough to see the game trails through the tall scrubby grass that thrived beneath the eaves of these nature born roofs.
I picked my way up the low moss covered escarpment that marked the edge of the village. We used to have some buildings here, their foundations nothing more than overgrown rings in the sea of grass that bent in the gentle breeze. The sound of the few song birds that called the night their home, filled the canopies. Echoing out like lost voices on the wind, I could smell the emerald stream before I could even hear it.
The Chief a few generations back had started calling it the emerald stream to keep the Humans and Gnomes away, they thought it was just an algae filled muck. But, it wasn’t, as the smell of crescent flowers filled my nose. Sweet, and calming, like a mix of lilacs and chamomile. I liked to come here to try and think, being here helped my mind. I thought up more than one plan for the raiders here, thought through more than enough intelligence I had gathered.
The stars winking into life, the bright nebulas that swam through the cosmos like wandering jellyfish moved through those pinpoints of light without a care. The dark slate that edged the slow oxbow was still warm from the day's heat. The waters were clear here, the current on this outer bend of the stream wasn’t prone to dumping anything. The slow current swirling in eddies depositing the dark soft sand that eroded from the surrounding stones covered the bottom of the pool.
The water was warm as I slid into it, not caring about taking my clothes off first. It clung to me like a second skin, the fabric soft but uncomfortable. Trying to relax my nerves, trying to stop worrying about the possible outcomes my actions had taken today. Rubbing the heavy bags that already threatened me with sleep, the worry I felt for the Family just kept eating away at me, forcing me to keep my eyes open.
Resting my head against the rock wall enjoying for but a moment the warmth of the stone. Enjoying the feeling of water slowly circling around me, the sound of the stream just over the other ridge. I felt like I had done something vile, something I could not shake, something that had begun to rot in my soul. That woman swam through my eyes, I was given no choice wasn’t I? I couldn’t leave her to run back to the city, she would have told what happened, she would have put a target on our backs?
A battered woman, who watched us slaughter her family, watched her sons die, no. It was too much of a risk. My hands felt cold as I brought them out of the water, staring at them I could almost see the blood staining them. Why did we do what we do? Do we really need to fight and steal and murder to survive? “Why Bhal? Why do you demand this of us?” My voice echoed out for not a single living soul to hear.
“Why do we do these things? For what? The betterment of the clan? You know, it’s all starting to feel like a convenient excuse for whatever your plans are for us, Father. I know I should trust you and the teachings you give us. But, I see what humanity has made for itself, why do we need to steal that wherever we can find it?”
My skin felt filthy the more I thought about it, did I come here to try and wash away this feeling? “Why do we put ourselves at risk for what? Your glory? Wouldn’t you want us to be better than this? Isn’t there a better way to prove ourselves to be at your side in the end?” My braid started wrapping itself around my legs as it flowed in the gentle water.
Night had finally set in, the stars bright in the dark skies. The frogs began their nightly chorus, accompanied by a duet of crickets. I tried to drown out my thoughts by focusing on that, closing my eyes I only saw that woman’s eyes behind my lids. The despondent look on her face as I gave the order. They were all I saw, immense and all encompassing. Opening my eyes to see the serene scene around in stark contrast with my thoughts.
“I need to let this go, I can do that… Do I want to let this go?”
I sunk low in the slowly swirling water, cool against my skin. Letting my nose rest just above the surface, trying to keep my mind away from the storm clouds that threatened to unleash the fury of a hurricane. My braid came undone as I slid my hand down the long coil until it reached the heavy black iron bead that Father Yorm gave me. My long hair draped me in an all too familiar blanket, the thin threads brushing against my skin like a school of curious fish.
An owl hooted off in the distance, the sound of the frogs grew louder as the world around me dropped away. The screech of a vixen off in the darkness of the canopies causing a discomforting quiet, in my mind I saw the woman with that sound. Like something to wake someone from the dead of night, like a ghost watching from the corner. The boys that were with that woman floated through the water, angry and unable to rest at the choices I made.
“Why do they plague me so? Father? Do you not care for the discomfort of your children? I don’t want to relive this horror over and over. I don’t want to have to keep seeing that shock, that horror, that fear in her eyes. I know it was my choice, but I had to do it for the family! I couldn’t let her leave, we’d have our heads on a chopping block by the next morning!” My scream silenced the frogs, I didn’t even notice the water had gone colder at the sound. “So why do I feel this way for doing what had to be done?”
Standing up quickly, the once soft cloth I wore now clung to my skin like a sickening mange. Feeling like needles against me, like a walk through the bramble patches around our homes. Each movement I made only made it worse, as if there were ants crawling all over me hunting for my blood. My clothes felt as dirty as my hands, soaked in the blood and tears I could not see. I ripped it away from me, I couldn’t feel comfortable in that thing.
My skin steamed in the humid night air, my hair clinging to my chest. But, that feeling just wouldn’t go away, that feeling that my skin was stained with that sin. Wrapping my arms around myself I sat heavily back into the water, the frogs hadn’t started singing again. The crickets had stopped to seemingly watch me try and scrub my skin clean. To wash away the sound of those men’s bodies hitting the ground as they were pulled from the wagon.
The world around the pool glowed a soft blue as the moonlight in its full glory crested over the tree line, a beautiful thing. Like an all seeing eye it watched me from its throne in the heavens, uncaring of the feelings that swirled and raged like a tempest in my mind.
The pride in those boys' eyes, the innocence on their faces as they trusted their father and his choices. The fury in the father’s eyes as he told his son to shoot at us. Unprompted, the moment replayed itself in the echoey vapid halls of my mind, like watching snow fall in reverse it just kept replaying. The father handed over the crossbow to his son, hidden behind the box he moved, the one he threw at my feet. Like a lost voice in vast canyons I heard the twang of that string, over and over.
My own words sounded far louder in my ears, like a hammer to an anvil in a silent room. Why was it so loud? Was I yelling my commands? I don’t remember, I couldn’t have been could I? The words “kill her” written behind my eyelids with each disbelieving blink, echoing again and again in the halls of my mind.
Trying to scrub my skin, distract myself, don’t think about it. But, was this just a futile attempt to not feel so dirty? I scrubbed my skin raw, this wasn't enough, it was deeper. The water flowing with faint trails of blood, the thick smell of scented soap and iron filled my nose, the skin on my hands and arms broken and weeping. Forcing myself to stop, I didn’t even feel the pain of ripping my skin open. I know this wasn't going to help. I know this wasn't going to change anything. Was I trying to feel the pain they did? I don't know. I don't think I could, at least not for the woman's sake. Those teary blue eyes floated in my thoughts again. The moon directly over me, the feeling of being watched only having grown.
A stick broke behind me, turning to face the noise, it was Ghet watching me. His eyes reflected the light in a way that they seemed to glow, a sadness in them. They were all I noticed as he approached the pool in the stream. His eyes flicked from the wet torn clothes on the bank, and noticed my bloody skin. He sighed, picking them up and putting them in the bucket I had brought.
He walked into the water and sat next to me. Covering my chest with my arm finally, I wasn't expecting anyone to come here, but sat down next to him anyway. We didn't speak for quite some time, the moon had almost set, the sky beginning to brighten. I just held his company in silence. The silence was broken only by the soft sound of the water flowing past us, and our own breathing.
"The regret" He finally said, "No, it doesn't get any easier. It never does. You will remember. You won't forget." I stayed silent. Felt my hair slowly start to swirl around Ghet's body. Pulling me slightly. “I tried to build my house on sand, expecting it to stand against the ids of life. I’m sorry, Illy. I never taught any of you to be ready for this, none of us did. And you suffer for it.”
"I've seen more death than I really care for." He looked over at me, straight into my eyes, he looked as tired as I did. I thought I knew what he meant though. He never got over what happened to his raiders, to all the Orphan’s parents. "They won't admit it, but we all feel bad about it the first few times. None of the raiders ever show it, or they try to do it this way like you. Some of us get over it, some of us learn to deal with it. Some of us can't, but never show it."
“Maybe I’ll be the last.” The still bleeding sores on my arms seemed to laugh at me for the statement. Ghet reached behind us, pulling the torn shirt I had been wearing and wrapped it around my shoulders. Ripping a few scraps off the sleeves, he made makeshift bandages to cover the worst of my torn skin.
“Maybe you will be, but only if things can change.” His voice sounded distant to me, like he was reliving his own nightmare.
“You have lived a hard life Uncle Ghet, I shouldn’t be so upset about any of this.” I tried to laugh, tried to make him feel a little better. I wasn’t prepared for him to suddenly grab me by my arms and look like a spooked horse.
“Don’t ever say that, Illy. We don’t ever forget about the lives we took, I promise you they will never forget you. You have every right to feel the way you do, this blood on our hands never goes away. Our sins are our own, and we cannot outrun the things we’ve done in life. Please don’t ever think that you shouldn’t feel disgusted by this just because our Family has a penchant for doing this to ourselves.” I got the feeling he was talking about a lot more than he was saying. He looked away, a sudden look of shame in his eyes.
It was my turn to take him by the arms, he was hurting and I suppose like me, he needed to voice that poison in his soul. “Are you talking about how The Orphans came to be? Uncle Ghet?”
I could feel the burning in his eyes as he closed them, trying to hide his shaking shoulders. “The Family has been kind to me by never telling you or the other kids what actually happened. I should never have been given the grace to come home, I thought that they would never forgive me.” Turning back to me, in the early dawn light, I could see his bloodshot eyes. “Yet they welcomed me home with open arms, me. The one who…”
The frogs around us had quieted down for the morning, the crickets having long ago ceased their nightly songs. Only a cool morning breeze as it wafted through the forest. “That regret, you said it would never really go away. Tell me what blood stains your hands.” I tried to use a phrase I had heard Mother use when getting some of the raiders to talk about their issues.
“You really are the Priestess’ daughter.” His laugh was a bitter thing. “Hob’s Father, Talik, had been stalking a group of Guardsmen that had been taking potshots at our raiders for weeks. They killed one of Talik’s close friends, Kari couldn’t save him. She had thought that removing his arm would stop the infection that had taken hold of him from the piss poor gunshot wound from that Guardsman. But it hadn’t, his fever got worse and worse, he started hallucinating near the end. Spouting gibberish and the vile rhetoric our clan preaches about Bhal.”
I wasn’t expecting that, I had never heard Ghet speak badly about our Great Father, but I let him continue. “Talik couldn’t bear it, his wife had tried to stop him. But, Talik gave his friend a death that wouldn’t prolong his suffering in the end. He rushed out of the Village to hunt down those Humans. I hate to say, but I thought his anger was justified, I too wanted those men dead for what they had done.”
He let go of me as he sunk into the water, suddenly seeing myself in that water the same way I had been a few hours before. I hadn’t heard this part before, I always thought Hob’s father was just a hot head like he was. But this… “I was followed by the other raiders, Yorm demanding them to stop, but we were a damn good strike force. We outran our Chief, heard not the voices of the Family screaming at us to stop. We found the humans, they were asleep just south of the City.”
His voice broke as he continued his story. “I ordered them all to attack, I wanted the blood of these men to feel what they had done. I was blinded by my hate, my sympathy for Talik and his friend. I was a fool.”
They followed him willingly, they didn’t question him. The memory of the wagon, the way they pushed me out of the way to keep from being shot by that bolt. It was feeling very familiar, a bit closer to home than I thought. “What happened, Uncle. I was told they all died, that it wasn’t your fault.”
“That, Illy, is the kindest lie the Family has ever told you Orphans. I didn’t bother to check anything before attacking, I didn’t see that the uniforms were different. I didn’t see that they were more heavily armed than the Guardsmen, I didn’t notice the Watch stationed every few hundred feet. I ordered our Family to attack the City’s Garrison, and I sent them to their deaths.”
“I could only stand and watch as we descended on them, we were doing good for a few minutes. Until it all went wrong, the rest of the troops had awoken at our fighting, and the angry hand of man crushed my raiders as if they were nothing. I was shot in the shoulder as I watched them fall, I took another to my leg as I ran away.”
The tears finally began to fall, as my eyes shimmered with the truth. “I ran while they died, I should have died along by their sides. I wanted the glory for Bhal, I wanted to raid by their sides to prove ourselves to the rest of the Clan. I wanted to uphold our values and earn ourselves a great victory for the clan, to bring back a bounty to survive for years off of. But, I was a coward in the end. I’m sorry Ilgor Daughter of Ysry and Tek, I’m sorry for taking it all away from you all. But, my words mean nothing, it cannot change what has been done.”
The quiet between us wasn't uncomfortable, though it did feel like far more needed to be said. It felt like this moment dragged on for far longer than the moon would have said. "Do you find it strange that we live off the suffering of others? I only ever really thought about it after you started sparring people. You wanted to keep your hands clean in a way that none of us ever thought of. You are even starting to change the minds of the humans about us.”
I looked over to him, he had his head held low, looking down at his lap in the water. His long grey hair just barely touching the surface of the water. Streaming like moss caught in a high river, flowing smoothly and serenely. His eyes seemed distant, like he wasn't really here. Leaning his head back against the rock wall, and the small ribbon he held his hair with in his ponytail came loose and floated down the stream. He breathed in deep, and let out an exhausted noise.
“It wasn't entirely your fault.” His eyes snapped to me, a look of utter disbelief plastered on his face. I reached for his hand in the water, tracing my fingers along the many scars that left their own memories on his skin. “They, like you, had every opportunity to see what you did not. You, I think I understand now why everyone is so happy with what I’ve been doing.”
“But, I” He started, I stood up, didn’t really even care that my skin felt cold in the morning air. My vision swimming around me, I grabbed the rest of the clothes I tore off. Most of them were still decent enough to wear. I paused just long enough for Ghet to make his final point.
"I can't place it. I don't really..." He trailed off for a moment. "You know, I don't hate the City, the Guards, the humans, the Dwarves, the Gnomes. It just seems like this is the way it has always been. I think all the retribution we've gotten back in the past was always deserved. I'm well aware we poke the bear, play with fire. But, then again, we also have to keep the ones we love safe and happy too." He quietly spoke. I was unsure whether he was actually trying to convey something to me, or just speaking his thoughts out loud.
"I feel it too, I don’t hate them. Why do we do this? I don't really understand, do we do it for the glory of our Great Father? Why do we need to kill to survive? Why do we have to live off the suffering from others? Do you think if the raiders really didn't kill as much, we'd be better off?" I asked him, the now dried shirt dropping over my head.
He took his time answering, he was watching the stars slowly drift across the brightening dawn sky. It was beginning to turn that deep purple right before the sun rose over the sea. "I think something needs to change, because I still hear that woman's screams as well, Ilgor."
"How long were you standing there?" The sun had begun to crest the horizon. The light striking the top of the rock wall behind us. The beautiful blue color that only ever showed up in the morning, like spots of sky seen through the trees.
"Long enough to see you were hurting." He got up out of the water, and walked back to the stream bank. "I thought I'd let you know, you're not the only one thinking about it, besides the village is also asking where you are."
Ghet stayed turned around while I got dressed in the rest of my now dried clothes. We walked back to the village together, when we saw the caves he went in his own direction. Guessing he didn’t want to be seen with me in torn clothes after a night MIA. Walking back to the cave with my bedroll in it, it smelled like the pine needles I crushed in them from time to time.
Lying down for a while and trying to sleep, but couldn't. I knew a few of the others saw me come back, but no one bothered me. Couldn’t exactly show back up in complete secrecy around the Family. All I saw when I closed my eyes was the look in the woman’s eyes, but now I saw Ghet looking defeated and broken in the stream. No matter how much tossing and turning I did, I just couldn’t fall asleep.
Deciding it was better to just get up and deal with being tired for the rest of the day, I flung the blanket of the bedroll off me. Quickly getting dressed in new clothes, I found the old dress Mother had made for me, the symbol of the clan stitched with loving hands in the chest. Smiling, thinking about how when I thought of my Mother, I saw Kari’s face. Slipping it over my head, it felt tighter around my chest and arms than I remembered.
Wanting to find her, I stepped out of the cave into the bright light of the morning sun. But I ran head first into Chief Yorm, his barrel chest like a wall against my face. “Ilgor, just the Daughter I was wanting to find.”
After all was said and done, the Chief said some of his raiders wanted to join me and my crew. He seemed displeased about it, but told me he gave them permission to do so. I certainly wasn’t going to turn down more raiders, especially if they had more to teach my own. But, that wasn’t the first thing that fell out of my mouth. "What did you want to do with the human bodies?”
"We were planning on dumping off the bluffs to the south of here. If the humans find them, they’ll think the Giant Elk or Gishells got them." I felt a cold seep into my chest and arms as he said it. The horrified look on my face made him pause. He raised an eyebrow and continued, "Why do you care about these people so much, I know you haven't dealt with the bodies before, it's not often they get brought back into the village like this." He paused as he noticed me looking up at him, I could feel my eyes start to get red and itchy "Ilgor stop looking at me like that."
I didn't want this.
I didn't know how to handle this, I didn't even know why I felt so bad about all this. They weren't my people, maybe it was the look on the woman's face. Maybe, I don't know. I wanted my peace of mind back. I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing again. "I would like to have Mother help bury them with me, Chief." My voice was shaky, on the very edge of breaking.
"The Priestess is a little busy at the moment, Ilgor, she is busy blessing the cloth that was brought yesterday." Wrapping my arms around him and resting my head on his bulk. I couldn’t stop shaking like I was back in the stream.
"Please Chief, let me do this." Hot tears ran down my face. Felt my face flush fully now, "I don't know why I want to bury them, but this just feels wrong Da'"
He put his hand on my head and hugged me. "Ilgor" He sighed, I could tell he felt the scabs running up my arms, I didn't have to see his face to know the frown was there. The look in his eyes softened. There was a very long pause before either of us spoke. "Fine, you may bury them. You know, I never realized just how compassionate you are. Is that why you spare so many on the raids?"
"I don't know, Da'" I gasped out, tears still falling down my face.
He left me alone and a short while later, Mother Kari came to me. Three boys in tow with the humans being dragged behind them. She told me that we should get this done quickly and that the Chief had told her about the moment. We found a spot outside of the village and buried them.
We dug deep graves for them so things wouldn't dig them back up. Huffing for air, the three boys left at the direction of the High Priestess. She sat with me for some time, she put her arm around me and we sat there, watching the breeze run through the trees like a crazed squirrel running through the leaves. I stared down at the raw skin on my hands. I thought it was the least I could do for them.
I built a small cairn of stones for them. Capping each with small beach stone of the same rock as the cliffs. It would glow a brilliant blue each morning for them. I didn’t know which god they worshipped, but I prayed for them all the same. Praying that someday they could find peace, despite the life I took from them.
***
I had nightmares about the City coming to attack the village that night. Woke up far too many times with a cold sweat on my skin. Thinking I smelled smoke from the caves, thinking I heard the Family screaming. It felt so real, the caves filled with fire, all my boys dead, my Priestess, my Chief. All our hard work, gone. For nothing. The blood pouring in rivers from our beds. I know it was just a nightmare, but this was a reality that was possible. If this was how the clan was going to continue to operate, this was a possibility. The night seemed oppressive, the night sky visible at the cave entrance making me feel small.
Walking out to see the stars. Thinking to distract myself until I could sleep again. I watched the clouds drift by in the full moon light. The stars twinkling serenely, indifferent to cares and worries of the world. It just made me feel even smaller, in the vast expanse of the sky before me. The waves crashing against the shore, just making me more aware of the passage of time. In, out, crash every three seconds. I still was the family from the wagon in my mind.
I didn't sleep much that night...
